Random Thoughts

Why is it that when someone dies, everyone always goes on about what a great person they were, what a great smile they had and how it would brighten everyone up, how they were so happy and loved life?  Just once I'd like to hear someone say "He was a pretty shitty human being, had a very repulsive smile, even though he rarely smiled because he hated existence."

Biggest Fears

Dying

I've always had some mild claustrophobia, and being stuck in an elevator and not knowing whether I was going to be saved or not would really suck. At least being in jail you know you're getting food and water and can eventually get out, or if you get sick you get medical attention.

Situations that would be horrifying for me would be being on an airplane miles away from any land mass over the ocean and knowing the plane was going down, with violent, debilitating tremors occurring unpredictably and loud wailing, droning, screeching noises blaring all around while everyone panics and screams and the anticipation and suspense preceding the inevitable crash into the water.

What else?

 Waking up to the sounds of my house slowly beginning to collapse around me, the creaking of the wood and beams. When I had bad anxiety I would think about this while laying in bed, "what if the house collapses while I'm asleep?"  I would sometimes position my body in bed in reference to the design of the room and/or house to give myself the best possible chance of surviving in case of a collapse.

Riding on a train, that the train will go off the tracks at a high speed and I will be thrown around inside the car smashing and bashing into steel and plastic and glass, my face being mashed into shit and my skull cracked and crushed into fragments while my brain splatters all around, my spinal cord whipped back and forth, splintering and shattering inside my skin.

Suffocating or drowning.  Driving over a bridge when it is blown up or just collapses for one reason or another and my car falls into the water, me being experiencing the fear of falling from such a distance and then crashing into the water, scrambling to get out and open the door, but the water pressure being too much, the electrical windows possibly not working anymore since the battery is submerged in water and probably shorts out, maybe I get the door open a little and get part of my body out but as the car gets deeper in the water the pressure increases and the door clamps me half into the car and drags me down with it and I die a horrifying death fighting in vein for my life, swallowing water and making a desperate attempt for oxygen and trying to breathe and breathing in water and drowning myself internally.

Or being burned alive, being trapped in some congested area with no escape route and having fire slowly creep up on my until my skin actually ignites and begins to burn, seeing and feeling my flesh melt off my bones, the excruciating pain and the psychological panic and horror I would experience, breathing in and choking on the smoke of my own burning flesh, trying desperately to get away but getting weaker and weaker after every moment that goes by until i finally collapse.

These are just a few of my biggest fears.