Random Thoughts on New Years Eve 2014

Sometimes when I laugh I notice that the laugh is very evil and with malicious enthusiasm.  I do this in only certain situations where I am benefiting from someone else's misfortune or misery.  It is a maniacal and wicked laughter.  I am disturbed by these feeling, but they occur without any subordinate action by my brain recognizing it before or as it's happening and prevents the opportunity for my mind to make a decision on how to respond or act.  

Conversation with Keith about Drawing and Writing Before Sleep

I have a nice notebook/journal that i keep all my RR information in. Thats about as sophisticated as I get, its the only thing that is office-like or whatever, or academic or professional, idk
what word to use
but i always loved the office environment, like i love going to Staples and walking around seeing all the office equipment. I love setting up a computer desk, getting all the shit you need for paperwork and art and computer stuff and a printer and lots of paper and a nice lamp, a green desk lamp

I don't put anything political on there, just stuff for my family and friends to read if I happen to die young and also for me to read, if i happen to not die young and live long enough to want to read this when im an old man you could write in a book, i still keep a journal where I actually write personal stuff that I would never post online in my blog or anywhere
I like documenting my life, I've kept journals my entire life so it's well documented, I'm very happy about that

its really therapeutic, or can be.  From my experience on many occassions, it without a doubt improves your quality of sleep for sure just writing and venting or drawing abstract shit, like shapes and just doodling, for like 10-20 minutes while laying in bed or somewhere I can relax comfortably. This is amazingly beneficial for sleep, I without a doubt sleep better, wake up less in the middle of the night, and feel more refreshed, more rested, and more focused and motivated and clearheaded in the morning.  The reason I don't do it every night is because sometimes I don't get into bed until I'm so tired I have no motivation or will to do this.  It's stupid and I should get into a nightly habit of doing this.

End

I have been adding a lot of black pepper and cayenne pepper to almost any food I cook for myself now.  It is sometimes too hot, sometimes just hot enough to make the meal a worthwhile experience, as opposed to just eating for nutrients and being indifferent on the taste and overall experience.  I am hoping to reap the benefits of these spices, as they are considered among the worlds healthiest spices.  

This is nutrition data from a website I use often to find out information about nutrition of foods and anything consumable, appropriately titled "nutritiondata.com"

Black Pepper

Weight loss: 4/5  (Doesn't really apply to me, my weight is under control)

Optimum health:  5/5  (I am going to start seeking out only 5/5 ranked foods and spices)

Weight gain:  3/5

The good: This food is low in Saturated Fat, and very low in Cholesterol and Sodium. It is also a good source of Vitamin C, Calcium, Magnesium and Potassium, and a very good source of Dietary Fiber, Vitamin K, Iron, Copper and Manganese.

The bad:  (None listed)

Cayenne Pepper

This stuff is MUCH hotter than black pepper and supposedly contains incredibly powerful antioxidants.  I put this in almost everything I cook, even if in just small amounts (you really have to be careful how much of this stuff you add to your food or you may ruin the meal because it will be unbearably hot and impossible to eat without getting severe heart burn or indigestion or upset stomach, not to mention the feeling of your mouth being on fire.

Nutrition Date information:

Weight loss:  4/5
Optimum health:  5/5
Weight gain:   3/5

The good: This food is very low in Cholesterol and Sodium. It is also a good source of Riboflavin, Niacin, Iron, Magnesium and Potassium, and a very good source of Dietary Fiber, Vitamin A, Vitamin C, Vitamin E (Alpha Tocopherol), Vitamin K, Vitamin B6 and Manganese.

The bad: (None listed)

SO eat your spices and especially pepper!  Most peppers have powerful, and very beneficial antioxidants that will help your body remove toxins and boost your immune system.  A great thing to add to your food in the winter time to help prevent getting the flu, or lessen the severity of the flue if you already have it or feel like you are getting it.

Car Accident #4, Rant About Bullshit

Just got home after being in my fourth car accident in 9 years or so.  Nobody was hurt, although I wish I was.  Not hurt to where I'm alive and suffering through pain, but maybe killed or put into a coma.  I don't want to suffer death, I don't want to suffer my destruction, I just want to die or be destroyed.  But that is unfair, you cannot choose how and when you will die.  I should be dead.  I am very glad that I didn't hurt anyone else, though.  I don't want to bring anyone down with me in my downward spiral to my ultimate demise.  Sounds dramatic and childish.  I am a child.  It is so humiliating to continually fuck up and have to look my family in the eyes and say "yeah I'm still here, still alive, still sucking money and resources from you and the system, and not giving anything back in return, still being a burden to my entire family and being looked down upon by my peers."  I still need to make more music and release it and gain more fans before I can be satisfied with the idea of dying.  Death will bring more attention and fascination to my music and art.  But I would rather be alive to experience fame on a small level (which I have already experienced, but it's like a drug...you want more.)  But I selfishly want recognition for my own work, my own music.  I was famous and a minor celebrity for playing guitar with En Esch and his band Slick Idiot, not for playing my own music or my own art.  But it was a stepping stone.  Esch was so good to me and gave me the opportunity to shine under the spotlight, and I did.  I don't know if I'll ever get another chance to tour with him again, the last 2 tours were cancelled and it was incredibly devastating and upsetting for me.  But since then I've just worked on my own music (and had some bouts with heroin addiction) but I have totally stopped using my former drug of choice, DXM.  I don't remember the last time I did it, which is amazing considering I did it on a daily basis for 7 years up until I overdosed on DXM/Heroin/benadryl/klonopin in September of 2013.  I'm glad I didn't die, I've made some good music since then.  I hope there's much more to come. 
I need a major lifestyle change.  The best thing I could possibly do is move in with my grandmother in Brooklyn and work there, take the buses and trains, and not drive a car.  But nobody seems to acknowledge the fact that I need (or just really want) FRIENDS and people to share and experience life with.  My dad just shuns this and says "you don't need friends" which really pisses me off.  He thinks he knows me, which is amazing because I don't really know him, and we've only spent very short amounts of time communicating on a personal level.  I'm not blaming him for anything.  I just wish I grew up with him as my father, living in the same house.  And I wish he would acknowledge that him leaving my mother and I and not being there for me 24/7 the way my step father was ultimately turned out to be detrimental to our relationship and how I turned out.  But no, he thinks he did a great job, and everything is fine.  Never even apologized.  My mom apologizes all the time and says it was the worst mistake of her life, but my dad is the complete opposite.  I know he celebrated when he left my mom and I , he could be a single man again, a man with money and his own house and career, and only have to see me once a week.  What a great life.  He's been married twice since then and lived in 5 different houses.  Sounds pretty awesome. 
But I cannot be blaming other people for my shortcomings.  I'm still 27 years old, wil be 28 in a few months.  I need to pick myself up and get my own shit together, get myself up in the morning and to bed at night.  Get myself up in the morning and in the shower, dressed, and ready for a full day of hard work (and keep reminding yourself, you're getting paid!  Otherwise you would be sitting around accomplishing very little and not getting paid, instead wasting money...sucking dry the resources and food from whoever is supporting me.)

In order to achieve greatness you must be willing to sacrifice your happiness.  It is time for me to give up some happiness and work hard so I can achieve greatness at some point.  I just hope "30 is the new 20" is true and recognized, because I can consider myself 18 years old and ready to take on the world now, as a 28 year old.  Help me, give me strength, God, Lord, Savior, Jesus, whoever or whever you are, whatever you want to be called, I will do you r bidding if you can give me a sign and point me in the right direction. 

Cops and Their Abuse of Power - We Need To Make People Not Want To Become Cops

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Random Rant About Perspective on Life, Religion, and the Ruling Class

I live the life that somewhere between 80-95% of the human population would be envious, or even jealous of.  There are hundreds of millions of us in that range and that class of life.  However many of us are unhappy, some are suicidal and severely depressed, have severe anxiety and social issues.  Life is all about perspective and frame of mind.  I notice that one way for me to have a positive perspective, I must think of the several BILLION people who have it worse off than me, and would kill someone to have the opportunity to be in my shoes, live my life, and have the opportunities presented to them everyday that I have presented to me.  This is unfortunate and somewhat tragic when I think about it, but then again I am choosing (or perhaps just naturally, morally feel this way) to look at it from that point of view, which seems to be looking at something negative in order to make my situation seem like a positive.

However the way I see life, of any species, is that everyone really should just be selfish, enjoy life the best they can at the cost of whatever and whomever else's benefits, if that's what it takes.  If someone has to suffer in order for me to experience happiness and bliss, and I am able to make that happen without resulting in any negative consequences towards me, I should do whatever I can to make it happen.  And everyone else should live their lives in this way as well.  I think that is how the Elite on our planet operate.  They do not believe in God or consequences resulting from actions/decisions/behavior that most of the world would consider incredibly immoral and unacceptable.  But they know more about history and the planet and the universe than we do, because they have the endless amounts of money to acquire this information.  I'm sure they have been able to visit all the ancient caves and see the cave drawings and ancient writings and stories from civilizations that reigned and flourished thousands of years ago, and put all the pieces together to see where we come from and disprove all mainstream religions.  The elite, throughout history, have been the ones to create these religions and push them on the public or private sector, in every civilization going back to the Mayans.

 These ideas and religious stories and cultures were created from the minds of the rulers of the world to control the population.  And they've been successful, however the internet has exposed a large percentage of the world to these facts and that they are being used as slaves and lied to about so many things that dramatically affect their lives.   

My Feelings Towards the New York Giants 2014 Regular Season Performance Thus Far

(Taken from a facebook discussion with New York sportswriter/author Russ Cohen)

I've already given up on the Giants and am focusing on the Rangers but I guess people still care? Both NY football teams are unwatchable and uninteresting to me, personally. I hate to see Eli have bad performances and take all the heat, it just adds unneeded stress to my life and it's hockey season so I will stay focused on the NHL. I'll check the Giants out, making sure they don't win out the rest of the season and go on a run like they almost did last year, but I am not (as) emotionally invested in them.

 Obviously I am emotionally invested in the NY Giants because I'm stressing over them having bad performances (not really losing the games) and knowing the rest of the NFL fans are taking pleasure in our dismal display on the field week after week this season, and the first half of last season. I enjoy watching the terrible Jets than the average/below average Giants. I want them to do good, but if they are this bad, I have to remove it from my life as much as I can or it will be detrimental to my daily mental health.

Top Most Influential Albums

I was nominated by Daniel Cannuli to list my ten most influential albums, it's not an easy task but I will try.

1. The Beatles - Abbey Road
2. Nirvana - In Utero
3. Megadeth - Rust in Peace
4. Pink Floyd - Animals
5. Blink 182 - blink-182 (self titled 2003)
6. Frank Zappa - We're Only In It For the Money
7. Radiohead - Hail to the Thief
8. Between the Buried and Me - The Great Misdirect
9. Roger Waters - Amused to Death
10. Born of Osiris - The Discovery 

UPDATE November 17, 2014

I notice that a few weeks later I do still agree with this list however the order I would put these albums in now would be different.  It changes with what happens in life and the brain chemistry changes even over only a few weeks. Music is extremely emotional experience, and the emotional state of the human mind/brain is constantly changing.

Racism Still A Huge Issue, But What About Bias Towards Homosexuality?

I still see a lot of people (I assume they are gay/lesbian/transgender) putting a lot of effort, expending a lot of resources, money and energy into defending their rights to be gay and be accepted by the public.  Basically, trying to make being gay socially acceptable.  But I think they have won their battle, haven't they?  Maybe it's just the area I live in, which is New Jersey, a Blue State, a good amount of liberals, a lot of Democrats, and a lot of totally clueless people when it comes to politics, who however, do not hate gays and do not care whether gays are socially accepted or not...but they do not make any attempt to try to take rights away from gays, such as marriage, which most states are overwhelmingly in favor of allowing now.

Honestly I think racism is a far bigger problem now than the vilification of homosexuality. The country has come a long way since the 80's to the present time in accepting gays and their rights, especially marriage. It's actually pretty impressive, considering how many ignorant dumbasses (in the case of racism, sexism and hatred of homosexuality, it always seems to be the hardcore Conservative Christians who are the biggest, most violent, hypocritical, ignorant assholes of them all) there are in this country.

Basically, the gay community seems to be doing pretty well, from this (mostly uneducated on the more complex aspects of this subject) heterosexual observer, compared to the racism that many minorities still face, decades after the Civil Rights Movement and many assassinations and also things on the opposite end of the spectrum, where whites and blacks are seen together, working together and getting along.  But racism is still a much bigger problem than the problems homosexuals face on a daily basis, as a whole.

Tl;dr - Homosexuals probably have it a lot easier for the fact that they are homosexuals than minorities do for the fact that they are black/Asian/Arabic/Hispanic/etc...

Favorite Quotes (Part 1)

This is such a brilliant, well thought out observation, by the late and eternally great George Carlin

You know what's interesting about assassination? Well, not only does it change those popularity polls in a big fucking hurry, but it's also interesting to notice who it is we assassinate. Ya ever notice who it is, got to think who it is we kill? It's always people who've told us to live together in harmony and try to love one another. Jesus, Gandhi, Lincoln, John Kennedy, Bobby Kennedy, Martin Luther King, Medgar Evers, Malcolm X, John Lennon – they all said, "Try to live together peacefully." Bam! Right in the fucking head! Apparently we're not ready for that. Yeah, that's difficult behavior for us. We're too busy thinking around, sitting around trying to think up ways to kill each other.

Mayweather - Maidana II Post Fight Review and Look Into the Future.

So watched (for free) Floyd Mayweather vs Marcos Maidana II, the rematch.  I was completely and utterly disappointed.  I will never pay for a fight (and haven't since Mayweather - Hatton in 2008, which was worth it).  Floyd  - Hatton was the last good (not even great) fight of Floyds career and will probably be the last ever.  He will choose weak opponents that he knows he can beat easily like Amir Kahn.  He won't fight Golovkin, a dangerous Kazak fighter who would really give Floyd a lot of trouble with his relentless attack and shorter, sharper punches than Maidana delivered.

All boxing fans are DONE with Floyd and his "TBE" bullshit.  He's not even in the top 10 of any weight classes he's been in.  Top 15, sure, I'll give him that.  But he's not even in the top 50 P4P of all time based on all the bullshit breaks he got, the weak opposition, fighting big name fighters when they were totally washed up (De La Hoya, Shane Moseley) or fighting young fighters who show great promise but were totally overmatched in terms of experience (Canelo Alvarez...I say Alvarez would beat Floyd now that he's gotten a little older and stronger and more experienced.  Canelo is the real deal.)

I'd be stunned if Floyd chooses to have a rematch with Miguel Cotto, who is at the peak of his career now.  Floyd beat Cotto in a 12 round decision a few years ago, but Cotto is a serious FIGHTER.  He likes to get in there and get hit and throw punches and hurt people.  He's not trying to win on points, he's trying to kill you.  Look what he did to Sergio Martinez...man that was a brutal beating.

Does ANYONE out there actually believe Floyd, as he self proclaims himself to be, The Best Ever (TBE, it's on all his hats on shirts, or TMT which is "The Money Team", money they make by ripping off fans for incredibly lackluster fights with no excitement).

And Floyd (I'm sure he's reading this) if you don't fight Pacquiao, that will be the highlight of your legacy...that you ducked and dodged and avoided your best possible opponent, the one guy who people think could beat you.  But instead you pick people everyone knows can't beat you.  Great business move, but you're supposed to be a warrior.  You disgrace all the past warriors who fought for pride, TO WIN, and for a legacy as an all time great.  And they all still made tons of money, without being boring and a clown.  

The greatest fighters always fight the best that's out there.  Floyd has never done that.  He's not great. 

This is a great point of view which basically shares my feelings on everything.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JLB7c28WSD4

New Pink Floyd Album "The Endless River"

Nobody is a bigger Floyd fan than me.  I'm 27 years old and have been an absolute PF fanatic since age 7.  But does anyone actually consider this a "new album?"  I mean come on...Dave's "On An Island" was closer to being a "NEW" Pink Floyd album than this will be.  This is just unreleased material from the Division Bell sessions...and that's what it should be labeled as.  Ok, from what I've read from reliable sources is that since 1994, Nick and Dave have gone in and worked on these tracks, which are almost all purely instrumental, and had a guest vocalist come in and lay down some stacked backing vocals, and Dave has even recorded some vocals himself.  But is that it?  Now it's a "new Pink Floyd record?"

 I personally find it rather insulting that they, or the record company, (I do not know who is responsible for marketing this as a "new Pink Floyd album", the band members or the record label), are trying to pass this off as "new material, a new Pink Floyd effort."  Not to mention Roger Waters will have absolutely nothing to do with any aspect of this recording, production, promotion or release.

  Dave is the only producer who has any history with the name Pink Floyd, Rick is dead and the only contribution he makes are parts he played more than TWENTY (20+) years ago while working on and writing for what became The Division Bell (which I think is a great album, whether you consider it a legit Pink Floyd album or not, it's a damn good piece of musical art). 

Am I wrong?  I will always love this band, no matter what.  But let's be real here...
Nonetheless, I am looking forward to hearing the music, hearing Dave and Rick and Nick playing together, and hearing Dave as a producer.  At the same time, I'm not expecting any spectacular or memorable guitar solos from Dave (ala Comfortably Numb) or any gorgeous, goosebump-inducing chord changes on the keys by Rick (ala Breathe, Great Gig in the Sky).  I just hope there will be some nice, colorful, soundscapes and moving pieces of music that will be somewhat memorable. 

This is being described as their "swan song" so I am sure Dave and Nick won't allow it to be released without their absolute confidence and approval that it's worth the money to spend on it (even though everyone is just going to download it from pirate bay or download the leak..I believe it's already leaked) and I'm sure it will be top quality production and have some high points and memorable moments, and hopefully an epic, tear-inducing ending that will make real Pink Floyd fans want to repay the album or go and put on Piper at the Gates of Dawn and listen to the entire Floyd
d discography from start to finish.  Or just get the listeners back into a Pink Floyd phase where they listen to nothing but Pink Floyd again, like they probably have gone through several times, depending on their age or how long they've been a fan.  And I'm sure it will be effective in doing just that.  And then everyone will go through the same thing all over again - begging and praying for a "reunion" and another album of REAL original material, or at least a reunion on stage between Roger and Dave, or maybe even for them to record a single together, or God forbid a full album.  But in reality, these guys are in their early 70's, late 60's now, they have more than enough money for a few more lifetimes and their families.  The chance that any of those things happen (I'll take a quote from one of my other heros Muhammad Ali) "are slim to none, and slim just left town."

Wellbutrin Documentation, My Crappy Summer

Week 1 -  I've been on it for 5 days now and have noticed some stimulation, a little more positive thinking wise, less worrying, but could be placebo.  Haven' taken any of my klonopin since tuesday, and today is friday, which is good.  bu I have also been taking small amounts of suboxone, like 1-2mg per day.  I had an 8mg strip and just cut a little piece off everyday since tuesday.  I figure it will  mask help me deal with any negative side effects of the wellbutrin, and so far i haven't had many negative effects.  The biggest side effect is I feel tired and wiped out by the afternoon, and I have also been sleeping very deeply and long, and have a hard time getting out of bed, but that's been the case the entire summer.  This has been one of the most depressing summers of my life, mainly because I'm broke and without a car and my 2 best friends are gone.  Charlie moved to Michigan and Alex is leaving for Minnesota to go to college on Sunday.  I have avoided her all summer because I know seeing her would just make me more depressed, and she hasn't made me feel like she really cares about me anywhere close to how much i care about her.  But she is coming to see me to say goodbye before she leaves.  I am going to try and get to my cousins tonight or tomorrow.  This is turning into a journal entry, which it isn't meant to be, but doesn't matter.   I probably wouldn't be writing this if not for the wellbutrin/suboxone combo, or one or the other.

Update - September 9th, 2014

I have stopped taking the Wellbutrin.  I was on it for 12 days, and I did not sleep more than 5 hours a night during any of these days, and no more than 2-3 hours at a time without waking up.
After quitting, without tapering off because I was on a very low dose, I went another full week with the same exact sleep problems, not sleeping more than 5 hours a night. Then feeling a bit more comfortable with the idea of adding supplements and other drugs as I assumed (after doing extensive amateur research on the drug, including it's half life which ranges from 8 to 37 hours depending on the brand and form of the medication you are taking... I was taking the SR form, which is "sustained release") I began to take Kava Kava extract to help sedate me combined with Passion Flower extract, also to help sedate and relax me to help me sleep, to no avail, but I was at least not feeling as if I wanted to jump out of my skin and climb the walls, having unbearable RLS (restless-leg syndrome).  I just stuck it out, watching Netflix and episodes.  I even tried to watch some regular TV, but the commercials are just too much for me to handle, I don't have the patience for them.


Anyway, this medication did not address any of my issues related to depression other than my malaise and fatigue, but the side effects made it in no way beneficial or worthwhile.  There is no way I would be able to function and hold a job on this medication.  It is just not for me.  I am now on Zoloft, starting on a small dose and working my way up, and after 5 days I have barely any noticeable negative side effects and it's GREAT.  I just hope it makes me feel normal and gets rid of my feelings of devastation, severe depression, suicidal feelings (not so much suicidal thoughts, just feelings like I don't want to be alive and experience this mental torment but I continue to live because I would never do anything to upset my parents so much and ruin their lives.  I am absolutely in love with my parents now that I've matured a bit since I was a teenager). 

So yeah, I guess at some point I will write something up on how the Zoloft is working or did not work.  Right now, so far so good.  Nothing to report either way, which is normal, it takes a few weeks before I am supposed to notice anything remarkable.  But my goodness am I glad that Wellbutrin is fully out of my system, and despite having suffered for 2-3 weeks because of it, I'm glad I went through it just so I could rule it out as a potential medication.  Never again.

On Having Kids

I don't know if I will have any children.  I don't know if I'll ever meet someone to have children with.  I have been very fortunate to have been in serious, passionate, loving relationships with girls who loved me as much as I loved them, but I don't know if that will ever happen again.  For now, I like to think that my songs are my children. 
I'm having a hard time finishing up my most recent collection of songs that I plan to release as my second EP. 
It's partially my computer lagging due to the large amount of tracks I have on most songs, or too many instruments, I don't know what to EQ certain things.  I can't "see" the music like I used to with these speakers, they are worn out and the fact that I am not using DXM anymore has affected my brain and creativity, as well as my drive to write and record and finish songs. 
I basically have to re-learn how to make music on an emotional level.  I know how to do it, but it's completely different when you are sober.  It's very strange.  I also need a change of scenery, I cannot be recording music over years and years in he same exact room in the same setup, same desk, same everything.  I need a new set up and new speakers.  I need a producer or an engineer, that would be nice, but I am on my own with this project.

Three Effective Supplements for Depression, Avoiding RX Drugs

What a coincidence that an FDA-backing website, http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC257800/,   reccomends NOT trying these 2 (5-HTP and SAM-e)  over the counter, cheap, easily available supplements that have received tremendously positive reviews for treating depression?

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC257800/

Quote:

"Although SAMe and 5-HTP may have antidepressant effects when given in an appropriate way, there is no evidence that either compound would be effective or safe in the long term using the preparations sold over the counter in the United States and via the Internet. Neither can be recommended."

I encourage anyone interested in treating their depression without a psychiatrist who just wants to feed you experimental drugs with unknown long term side effects to research 5HTP and SAM-e, which are both legal supplements you can obtain at any pharmacy or drug store.  They have both helped me and probably many millions of others, but the Federal Government and the FDA have made great  efforts and taken great strides to prevent people from hearing about these supplements.  There are no commercials, very few advertisements, and every doctor I've spoken to has rarely ever heard of both, if not just one, of these supplements.  If you are battling depression, lack of motivation, boredom with life, do some research and see if this would be something you would like to try.

I've also read ad naseum in reports that these 2 supplements should be taken in the morning, and the vitamin L-Tyrosine should be taken at night for optimal depression reduction and a return to the energy, enthusiasm and perseverence we all once had before something triggered severe to moderate depression.

So, here is the short list of the supplements to look up and read about their anti depressant properties and comparisons to RX drugs:

5HT-P

SAM-e

L-Tyrosine

UPDATE - November 17, 2014

I have not tried the L-Tyrosine but took the average recommended dose of SAM-e for nearly a month, maybe more than a month, with no noticeable improvements in my mental state.  I have tried 5HT-P years ago and just felt uncomfortable stimulation for the first few weeks, so I stopped, and probably didn't give it long enough to fully have a complete report on it's effects on me.  I have read mostly negative things about how it does not cross the BBB and is ultimately ineffective as a treatment for depression.

I plan to try the L Tyrosine with my Zoloft, and add SAM-e in combination with the Zoloft.  I am taking 50mg of Zoloft, half the recommended dose, so that it doesn't have the negative side effect, which puts me in a zombified state, where I feel emotionally flat and not happy, although not really depressed.  Just makes me very dosile and uninterested in anything, basically anadhonia like symptoms.  I definitely have an issue with anadonhia, I actually think that IS my main problem, more than anything, and I believe it was brought on by my chronic and sometimes very heavy marijuana use for over a decade.  I need to dramatically cut down, an dI have cut down a good amount, but it hasn't been for a long enough time to show noticeable results.  I sleep WAY too much and am WAY to tired for a normal healthy 27 year old male.  Something is wrong, and it is likely caused by my drug use, but I also believe I have nasal/inhalation/breathing problems and lack the sufficient oxygen while I sleep and even during the day because for some reason my respiration seems to be much more depressed than it used to be, or at least for a healthy young adult.  I breathe very lightly, and then I don't naturally start taking another breath for what seems to be an abnormally long amount of time.  AN dmy anxiety is surely caused by my lack of gaining sufficient oxygen.  I need to find out how to remedy this breathing issue. I will have much more energy and be much more productive and happy if I were just able to breathe better through my nose and my breathing was depressed as it is.

Suicidal Thoughts and Ideas

I think about killing myself often, usually in the morning and afternoons.  I will not do it because I do not want to ruin the lives of my parents, as they say I would if I were to off myself.  I'm sure it wouldn't be as bad as they make it seem but I'm sure a child committing suicide would be very disturbing and difficult to deal with, and I don't want to do that to my parents, I have already caused them enough turmoil in their lives on a smaller scale and continue to do so, and wouldn't want to bring it to another level.  It would also be embarrassing for my entire family.  So I was thinking maybe it would be a better idea to meet a girl and assuming she doesn't make me want to live anymore than I do now, I will impregnate her and have the child so that I can kill myself and my parents will at least have a grandchild that I can "live through" and will comfort them, give them more reason to live and more joy than I can give them.  This is not something I am seriously contemplating, just a thought I had this morning while laying in bed thinking about suicide.   I need to improve my life and I'm the only one who can do it, but sometime I'm not sure if natural selection meant for me to live. however advances in medicine have kept me alive, and millions of other people, who were meant to die off much earlier.

Self doubt often if not always interferes with my plans to improve my life.

101 Things

1. You need a minimum of an hour to get ready before work or class.

2. Don’t hit the snooze button. If you gotta get up, then get up.

3. Shaving is more than a suggestion. That goes for men and double for women.

4. If you eat enough pizza, you will turn into a tub of oily cheese.

5. Running isn’t just for four-legged animals.
6. Getting high gets old.

7. Getting drunk doesn’t. But don’t tell that to your liver.

8. Unprotected sex is a regret waiting to happen.

9. The quiet ones are the best between the sheets — although it may take some time for them to open up.

10. Dating is overrated and usually a waste of time.

11. Don’t date unless you think you may fall in love with them.

12. Facebook is boring and a waste of time. It is. Really.

13. When you think you’re missing out, you’re not.

14. Nothing good happens after 3 a.m.

15. Sex is better if you are emotionally involved with your partner.
16. Reading is always better than watching TV.

17. Watching reality TV makes you dumber.

18. Yay, you can twerk!! But can you do anything useful?

19. The way people see you is just as important as the way you see yourself.

20. Friends are hard to come by. Don’t ignore those you have.

21. Most people want something from you.

22. There is no such thing as free.

23. You don’t have a hole in your wallet; money just disappears.

24. Putting more money into your car than the car is worth makes you look like a dickhole.

25. Listening to music too loud CAN make you go deaf.

26. Drunken sloppy sex is only good the first time — maybe first two times.

27. Don’t spend money on things you don’t need because you won’t have money for the things that you do need.

28. If you want to know if the relationship will work out, then let him see you without your makeup.

29. Being in a relationship is not a reason to let yourself go.
30. More tongue is not the answer.

31. Ladies: your teeth are for chewing. We don’t like to be chewed.

32. Guys: she may say it’s an exit only, but that’s only because she’s never given it a try. #Shocker

33. Stop using hashtags. They’re not always appropriate.

34. If you can get her into bed before date 3, then you’ll get bored with her by week 2.

35. If you give it up too soon then he’ll consider you conquered and move onto the next mountain.

36. Women are never free.

37. Men may not only be looking for sex, but sex is definitely a part of it. A big part.

38. Waiting until you get married to have sex is stupid.

39. Bad sex = bad relationship.

40. If you’re going to get a tattoo then make it small and have it somewhere inconspicuous.

41. Savings accounts are not for dummies.

42. You will hate yourself for getting a new credit card.

43. If you’re feeling sh*tty, get some exercise.

44. You should always do your best to look your best because it will make you feel your best.

45. Orgies.

46. Learn to play chess.

47. The world works, in large part, by manipulation.

48. Having the ability to read people will get you further in life than anything else.

49. It’s not just whom you know, but also what you know that matters.

50. You should live in New York City for at least a year.

51. You should live abroad for at least a year.

52. As a rule of thumb, don’t do drugs. You don’t ever know what you’re actually taking.

53. Less is almost always more.

54. Beauty lies in simplicity.

55. Overcomplicating things leaves things overly complicated.

56. If you sleep around with a lot of people, then you are a whore. But who cares? As long as you’re clean, you’re clean.

57. Make mistakes now. Making them later will be too late.

58. We all want what we can’t have. Remind yourself of that every day.

59. You can do less and produce more.
60. It’s all about efficiency.

61. You can’t buy time.

62. Time itself is an illusion. Always think: “I’ll be there before I know it.” And you’ll prove yourself right each time.

63. They stopped making good music in the 90s.

64. You don’t actually want to be a DJ. You just don’t understand what it means to be one.

65. Lower your expectations and you won’t be so disappointed.

66. Using toys can be fun for both parties.

67. Size does matter. It goes for both sexes.

68. If you expect oral sex then have the courtesy to lather and rinse beforehand.

69. Don’t say I love you unless you mean it.

70. Don’t be afraid to fall in love.

71. Yoga.

72. Violence is for idiots. Use your words.

73. Being smarter does make you the better person.

74. Kill them with kindness.

75. You don’t need to be an assh*le to get ahead in life, but you can’t be a pushover either.

76. Your cellphone is ruining your life.

77. There is no substitute for face-to-face human interaction.

78. Get checkups regularly. It could save your life.

79. If you’re going to smoke, then use a vaporizer.

80. It is morally wrong to be obese.

81. A good blowjob goes a long way.

82. Slow and gentle will always get her off. Rough and intense only works on occasion.

83. If you’re using the pulling-out method, then you have a good chance of pulling out a baby in a few months.

84. Don’t drink cheap liquor.
85. Don’t eat crap food.

86. Drink lots and lots of water. Most of you are chronically dehydrated.

87. Meditate.

88. Sudoku helps fight off future dementia.

89. You don’t have ADD.

90. You’re most likely to be your own cause of depression.

91. The way you see the world is all that matters. But understand that you may be delusional.

92. There’s always more to the story.

93. People lie.

94. You are alone in this life. Accept that and appreciate the moments when you don’t feel so alone.

95. Family is more important.

96. If you don’t work to improve yourself everyday then you are wasting your life.

97. Passion is what makes life worth living.

98. You are always better off than most people in the world.

99. You aren’t entitled to sh*t — nada. You get what you earn.

100.  It's what you let go of that determines how high  you will go.

101. No matter what happens, never give up. Ever.

Being Dead and Thinking About Dying Again

I've been dead and was resuscitated, and there was nothing, just went to sleep. I'm not afraid of dying anymore. I worry about my family being forced to go on without me, but I'm not afraid of death itself. You just go to sleep. I accidentally overdosed on a combination of hard drugs and over the counter drugs. I was just trying to have a good time. I don't do those drugs anymore, but my life is not fulfilled, I don't feel the urge to get up in the morning/afternoon and do anything. I just want to go back to sleep. Maybe this "sleep" I want to go back to is just an eternal sleep. Clearly my brain is not functioning as a "normal" human brain, that strives for survival and peak performance in life amongst it's peers, would. Maybe I am meant to be a victim of natural selection. It applies to humans too, sorry to say. I am one of the weak, I shouldn't be here, if it weren't for medical advances and affordable healthcare for middle class families. All my problems are first world problems. But that doesn't mean shit. It's all about perspective. And I see things in the world and in people I know and it makes me think very irrationally, and I'm afraid I'm going to kill myself one day. But nobody seems to notice, nobody seems to care, but I wish they would.

I am also very afraid of an accidental overdose that could happen out of the blue, when I am feeling good and decide to "party" and get "high" on a combination of substances, which is usually what I would do.  One drug wouldn't be enough, I would always like to combine different drugs to create and experience different feelings. 

Open Mic's and Performing Solo

I've played several open mics with just an acoustic guitar before, and last night I played the first in several months. I was allowed to use my preferred electric guitar and an amp, and a mic. My guitar playing was up to par but my singing was not. I was hoping this would be a satisfying experience, and it was, but not as much as I hoped. I hoped I would dominate and be great, but I was just alright, in my personal opinion. But I think it was definitely better that I went and performed instead of not going, and just considering it an insignificant event not worth my time.

I plan on going to three more open mics this week and hopefully I improve with each performance.

I am used to playing with a full band, and being the frontman, but playing by yourself is much different and there is much less room to hide mistakes. I hope practicing, preparing for and performing at these little tiny shows makes me a better performer and musician. I am trying to assemble a band to play my music but it's hard to find reliable people who are willing to travel to practice as often as is needed to be a serious band. Everyone has careers or a family now, or they are drug addicts. I am preparing a set using a ton of backing tracks that I plan to put on my iPod, play them through the PA, and just solo over with my guitar, and do some basic stripped down songs with vocals as well. It will be challenging and people have been discouraging about the idea, but I'll give it my best shot.