I think about killing myself often, usually in the morning and afternoons. I will not do it because I do not want to ruin the lives of my parents, as they say I would if I were to off myself. I'm sure it wouldn't be as bad as they make it seem but I'm sure a child committing suicide would be very disturbing and difficult to deal with, and I don't want to do that to my parents, I have already caused them enough turmoil in their lives on a smaller scale and continue to do so, and wouldn't want to bring it to another level. It would also be embarrassing for my entire family. So I was thinking maybe it would be a better idea to meet a girl and assuming she doesn't make me want to live anymore than I do now, I will impregnate her and have the child so that I can kill myself and my parents will at least have a grandchild that I can "live through" and will comfort them, give them more reason to live and more joy than I can give them. This is not something I am seriously contemplating, just a thought I had this morning while laying in bed thinking about suicide. I need to improve my life and I'm the only one who can do it, but sometime I'm not sure if natural selection meant for me to live. however advances in medicine have kept me alive, and millions of other people, who were meant to die off much earlier.
Self doubt often if not always interferes with my plans to improve my life.
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
Thursday, July 10, 2014
101 Things
1. You need a minimum of an hour to get ready before work or class.
2. Don’t hit the snooze button. If you gotta get up, then get up.
3. Shaving is more than a suggestion. That goes for men and double for women.
4. If you eat enough pizza, you will turn into a tub of oily cheese.
5. Running isn’t just for four-legged animals.
6. Getting high gets old.
7. Getting drunk doesn’t. But don’t tell that to your liver.
8. Unprotected sex is a regret waiting to happen.
9. The quiet ones are the best between the sheets — although it may take some time for them to open up.
10. Dating is overrated and usually a waste of time.
11. Don’t date unless you think you may fall in love with them.
12. Facebook is boring and a waste of time. It is. Really.
13. When you think you’re missing out, you’re not.
14. Nothing good happens after 3 a.m.
15. Sex is better if you are emotionally involved with your partner.
16. Reading is always better than watching TV.
17. Watching reality TV makes you dumber.
18. Yay, you can twerk!! But can you do anything useful?
19. The way people see you is just as important as the way you see yourself.
20. Friends are hard to come by. Don’t ignore those you have.
21. Most people want something from you.
22. There is no such thing as free.
23. You don’t have a hole in your wallet; money just disappears.
24. Putting more money into your car than the car is worth makes you look like a dickhole.
25. Listening to music too loud CAN make you go deaf.
26. Drunken sloppy sex is only good the first time — maybe first two times.
27. Don’t spend money on things you don’t need because you won’t have money for the things that you do need.
28. If you want to know if the relationship will work out, then let him see you without your makeup.
29. Being in a relationship is not a reason to let yourself go.
30. More tongue is not the answer.
31. Ladies: your teeth are for chewing. We don’t like to be chewed.
32. Guys: she may say it’s an exit only, but that’s only because she’s never given it a try. #Shocker
33. Stop using hashtags. They’re not always appropriate.
34. If you can get her into bed before date 3, then you’ll get bored with her by week 2.
35. If you give it up too soon then he’ll consider you conquered and move onto the next mountain.
36. Women are never free.
37. Men may not only be looking for sex, but sex is definitely a part of it. A big part.
38. Waiting until you get married to have sex is stupid.
39. Bad sex = bad relationship.
40. If you’re going to get a tattoo then make it small and have it somewhere inconspicuous.
41. Savings accounts are not for dummies.
42. You will hate yourself for getting a new credit card.
43. If you’re feeling sh*tty, get some exercise.
44. You should always do your best to look your best because it will make you feel your best.
45. Orgies.
46. Learn to play chess.
47. The world works, in large part, by manipulation.
48. Having the ability to read people will get you further in life than anything else.
49. It’s not just whom you know, but also what you know that matters.
50. You should live in New York City for at least a year.
51. You should live abroad for at least a year.
52. As a rule of thumb, don’t do drugs. You don’t ever know what you’re actually taking.
53. Less is almost always more.
54. Beauty lies in simplicity.
55. Overcomplicating things leaves things overly complicated.
56. If you sleep around with a lot of people, then you are a whore. But who cares? As long as you’re clean, you’re clean.
57. Make mistakes now. Making them later will be too late.
58. We all want what we can’t have. Remind yourself of that every day.
59. You can do less and produce more.
60. It’s all about efficiency.
61. You can’t buy time.
62. Time itself is an illusion. Always think: “I’ll be there before I know it.” And you’ll prove yourself right each time.
63. They stopped making good music in the 90s.
64. You don’t actually want to be a DJ. You just don’t understand what it means to be one.
65. Lower your expectations and you won’t be so disappointed.
66. Using toys can be fun for both parties.
67. Size does matter. It goes for both sexes.
68. If you expect oral sex then have the courtesy to lather and rinse beforehand.
69. Don’t say I love you unless you mean it.
70. Don’t be afraid to fall in love.
71. Yoga.
72. Violence is for idiots. Use your words.
73. Being smarter does make you the better person.
74. Kill them with kindness.
75. You don’t need to be an assh*le to get ahead in life, but you can’t be a pushover either.
76. Your cellphone is ruining your life.
77. There is no substitute for face-to-face human interaction.
78. Get checkups regularly. It could save your life.
79. If you’re going to smoke, then use a vaporizer.
80. It is morally wrong to be obese.
81. A good blowjob goes a long way.
82. Slow and gentle will always get her off. Rough and intense only works on occasion.
83. If you’re using the pulling-out method, then you have a good chance of pulling out a baby in a few months.
84. Don’t drink cheap liquor.
85. Don’t eat crap food.
86. Drink lots and lots of water. Most of you are chronically dehydrated.
87. Meditate.
88. Sudoku helps fight off future dementia.
89. You don’t have ADD.
90. You’re most likely to be your own cause of depression.
91. The way you see the world is all that matters. But understand that you may be delusional.
92. There’s always more to the story.
93. People lie.
94. You are alone in this life. Accept that and appreciate the moments when you don’t feel so alone.
95. Family is more important.
96. If you don’t work to improve yourself everyday then you are wasting your life.
97. Passion is what makes life worth living.
98. You are always better off than most people in the world.
99. You aren’t entitled to sh*t — nada. You get what you earn.
100. It's what you let go of that determines how high you will go.
101. No matter what happens, never give up. Ever.
2. Don’t hit the snooze button. If you gotta get up, then get up.
3. Shaving is more than a suggestion. That goes for men and double for women.
4. If you eat enough pizza, you will turn into a tub of oily cheese.
5. Running isn’t just for four-legged animals.
6. Getting high gets old.
7. Getting drunk doesn’t. But don’t tell that to your liver.
8. Unprotected sex is a regret waiting to happen.
9. The quiet ones are the best between the sheets — although it may take some time for them to open up.
10. Dating is overrated and usually a waste of time.
11. Don’t date unless you think you may fall in love with them.
12. Facebook is boring and a waste of time. It is. Really.
13. When you think you’re missing out, you’re not.
14. Nothing good happens after 3 a.m.
15. Sex is better if you are emotionally involved with your partner.
16. Reading is always better than watching TV.
17. Watching reality TV makes you dumber.
18. Yay, you can twerk!! But can you do anything useful?
19. The way people see you is just as important as the way you see yourself.
20. Friends are hard to come by. Don’t ignore those you have.
21. Most people want something from you.
22. There is no such thing as free.
23. You don’t have a hole in your wallet; money just disappears.
24. Putting more money into your car than the car is worth makes you look like a dickhole.
25. Listening to music too loud CAN make you go deaf.
26. Drunken sloppy sex is only good the first time — maybe first two times.
27. Don’t spend money on things you don’t need because you won’t have money for the things that you do need.
28. If you want to know if the relationship will work out, then let him see you without your makeup.
29. Being in a relationship is not a reason to let yourself go.
30. More tongue is not the answer.
31. Ladies: your teeth are for chewing. We don’t like to be chewed.
32. Guys: she may say it’s an exit only, but that’s only because she’s never given it a try. #Shocker
33. Stop using hashtags. They’re not always appropriate.
34. If you can get her into bed before date 3, then you’ll get bored with her by week 2.
35. If you give it up too soon then he’ll consider you conquered and move onto the next mountain.
36. Women are never free.
37. Men may not only be looking for sex, but sex is definitely a part of it. A big part.
38. Waiting until you get married to have sex is stupid.
39. Bad sex = bad relationship.
40. If you’re going to get a tattoo then make it small and have it somewhere inconspicuous.
41. Savings accounts are not for dummies.
42. You will hate yourself for getting a new credit card.
43. If you’re feeling sh*tty, get some exercise.
44. You should always do your best to look your best because it will make you feel your best.
45. Orgies.
46. Learn to play chess.
47. The world works, in large part, by manipulation.
48. Having the ability to read people will get you further in life than anything else.
49. It’s not just whom you know, but also what you know that matters.
50. You should live in New York City for at least a year.
51. You should live abroad for at least a year.
52. As a rule of thumb, don’t do drugs. You don’t ever know what you’re actually taking.
53. Less is almost always more.
54. Beauty lies in simplicity.
55. Overcomplicating things leaves things overly complicated.
56. If you sleep around with a lot of people, then you are a whore. But who cares? As long as you’re clean, you’re clean.
57. Make mistakes now. Making them later will be too late.
58. We all want what we can’t have. Remind yourself of that every day.
59. You can do less and produce more.
60. It’s all about efficiency.
61. You can’t buy time.
62. Time itself is an illusion. Always think: “I’ll be there before I know it.” And you’ll prove yourself right each time.
63. They stopped making good music in the 90s.
64. You don’t actually want to be a DJ. You just don’t understand what it means to be one.
65. Lower your expectations and you won’t be so disappointed.
66. Using toys can be fun for both parties.
67. Size does matter. It goes for both sexes.
68. If you expect oral sex then have the courtesy to lather and rinse beforehand.
69. Don’t say I love you unless you mean it.
70. Don’t be afraid to fall in love.
71. Yoga.
72. Violence is for idiots. Use your words.
73. Being smarter does make you the better person.
74. Kill them with kindness.
75. You don’t need to be an assh*le to get ahead in life, but you can’t be a pushover either.
76. Your cellphone is ruining your life.
77. There is no substitute for face-to-face human interaction.
78. Get checkups regularly. It could save your life.
79. If you’re going to smoke, then use a vaporizer.
80. It is morally wrong to be obese.
81. A good blowjob goes a long way.
82. Slow and gentle will always get her off. Rough and intense only works on occasion.
83. If you’re using the pulling-out method, then you have a good chance of pulling out a baby in a few months.
84. Don’t drink cheap liquor.
85. Don’t eat crap food.
86. Drink lots and lots of water. Most of you are chronically dehydrated.
87. Meditate.
88. Sudoku helps fight off future dementia.
89. You don’t have ADD.
90. You’re most likely to be your own cause of depression.
91. The way you see the world is all that matters. But understand that you may be delusional.
92. There’s always more to the story.
93. People lie.
94. You are alone in this life. Accept that and appreciate the moments when you don’t feel so alone.
95. Family is more important.
96. If you don’t work to improve yourself everyday then you are wasting your life.
97. Passion is what makes life worth living.
98. You are always better off than most people in the world.
99. You aren’t entitled to sh*t — nada. You get what you earn.
100. It's what you let go of that determines how high you will go.
101. No matter what happens, never give up. Ever.
Saturday, July 5, 2014
Being Dead and Thinking About Dying Again
I've been dead and was resuscitated, and there was nothing, just went to
sleep. I'm not afraid of dying anymore. I worry about my family being
forced to go on without me, but I'm not afraid of death itself. You
just go to sleep. I accidentally overdosed on a combination of hard
drugs and over the counter drugs. I was just trying to have a good
time. I don't do those drugs anymore, but my life is not fulfilled, I
don't feel the urge to get up in the morning/afternoon and
do anything. I just want to go back to sleep. Maybe this "sleep" I
want to go back to is just an eternal sleep. Clearly my brain is not
functioning as a "normal" human brain, that strives for survival and
peak performance in life amongst it's peers, would. Maybe I am meant to
be a victim of natural selection. It applies to humans too, sorry to
say. I am one of the weak, I shouldn't be here, if it weren't for
medical advances and affordable healthcare for middle class families.
All my problems are first world problems. But that doesn't mean shit.
It's all about perspective. And I see things in the world and in people
I know and it makes me think very irrationally, and I'm afraid I'm
going to kill myself one day. But nobody seems to notice, nobody seems
to care, but I wish they would.
I am also very afraid of an accidental overdose that could happen out of the blue, when I am feeling good and decide to "party" and get "high" on a combination of substances, which is usually what I would do. One drug wouldn't be enough, I would always like to combine different drugs to create and experience different feelings.
I am also very afraid of an accidental overdose that could happen out of the blue, when I am feeling good and decide to "party" and get "high" on a combination of substances, which is usually what I would do. One drug wouldn't be enough, I would always like to combine different drugs to create and experience different feelings.
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