I think about killing myself often, usually in the morning and afternoons. I will not do it because I do not want to ruin the lives of my parents, as they say I would if I were to off myself. I'm sure it wouldn't be as bad as they make it seem but I'm sure a child committing suicide would be very disturbing and difficult to deal with, and I don't want to do that to my parents, I have already caused them enough turmoil in their lives on a smaller scale and continue to do so, and wouldn't want to bring it to another level. It would also be embarrassing for my entire family. So I was thinking maybe it would be a better idea to meet a girl and assuming she doesn't make me want to live anymore than I do now, I will impregnate her and have the child so that I can kill myself and my parents will at least have a grandchild that I can "live through" and will comfort them, give them more reason to live and more joy than I can give them. This is not something I am seriously contemplating, just a thought I had this morning while laying in bed thinking about suicide. I need to improve my life and I'm the only one who can do it, but sometime I'm not sure if natural selection meant for me to live. however advances in medicine have kept me alive, and millions of other people, who were meant to die off much earlier.
Self doubt often if not always interferes with my plans to improve my life.
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