I need to stop using dextromethorphan immediately which is what my "advanced nurse practicioner" told me, and go through the withdrawals which will include but are not limited to severe night sweats for several weeks, dysphoria, brain zaps, loss of coordination and focus, etc..so I am going to try and find a dose that will keep me borderline level at least, the only issue is being able to afford it, because I am very paranoid that I am being watched by the local police or even the Ocean County prosecutors office so I don't need any of that shit. I have 2 theft charges on my record and I believe it may have been contributing to me not getting hired and having such a difficult time right now getting employed. I have some prospects and usually do, but for some reason my luck has completely done a 180 and I no longer have the ease of just showing up for an interview and getting hired on the spot like I used to when I was a teenager and in my 20's Feb 20 2020
I am stressed out lately because of this corona virus pandemic, which was labled a pandemic today and a global crisis, it apparently has roughly a 10% higher mortality rate than the seasonal flu, although the seasonal flu has an extremely low mortality rate so the percentage for corona virus is around 2-3% of cases resulting in deaths. However, this disease has been spreading extremely rapidly and cases are expected to keep rising as more people are tested and the disease continues to spread. Tonight, the NBA announced it will suspend all games until further notice and the NHL said it will announce whether or not it will do the same tomorrow. Already the NHL and NBA have scheduled games to be played with no fans in attendance before tonight. Also actor Tom Hanks and his wife have been confirmed to have contracted the virus, all of these news events were reported withini 35 minutes around 11 PM-Midnight March 12-13 2020.
Aside from this I have also been very stressed about a new job at McDonalds and I am having irrational pre emptive, anticapitory anxiety even though my first few days will only be training and I won't be working a full shift. I have agreed to work overnights 2 nights a week on the weekend which I think I can do and adjust to, and 2 six hour shifts during the day during the week. So it's part time. I feel comforted being able to write/type my thoughts down in free flow form. I have to take a big step forward and I am going to do it tomorrow.
Midnight March 23 2020
This Corona Virus outbreak, or COVID-19, has been declared a pandemic by the entire planet and extreme measures ahave been taken to prevent and slow the spread of the virus. It's supposed to be about 10x more lethal than the seasonal flu. It allegedly originated and came out of a town called Wu Han in China a few months ago. Now it has gotten to the point that all sporting events have been cancelled and large gatherings of people are prohibited, it's very suspicious because its coming during an election year right before the debates are about to begin and it has crashed the stock market. There has been so much going on during this Trump presidency, it's been an amazing time to be alive and I appreciate as much as I can. Nobody I know personally or anyone they know personally has this virus, it is not that rampant in New Jersey yet. A lot of people are self quarantining, a lot of people are over reacting while others think its no big deal. One thing is for sure, it will either lead to a very dismal future, or we will prevail and come out of this stronger and much more appreciative of life and hopefully it will bring people together that we all went through something like this and survived (the ones who DO survive). My music has been doing well, I got my first check for royalties and I am already halfway there to recieving another check. I have been promoting as usual on social media and also paid Sam Roberts $10 to plug my music on his show Sam Roberts Now which resulted in a big spike in my streams. I have also been learning how essential it is, and how to get on spotify playlists that are followed by thousands or millions of people, that seems to be the way a lot of upcoming artists are getting their music heard and building up their communities. I have found a way to contact and search for Playlist Curators on a website called Chartmetric.com and it has been very useful, though I have been lazy and not utilizing it to its fullest potential, which I need to do. My mothers boss died and the company now belongs to the boss's daughter and they are still deciding what will happen, so I need to get a job and be able to support myself if I am going to keep this apartment. I have filled out applications and I have some prospects and tomorrow is monday so I will follow up on them.
March 25 11:32 AM 2020
The corona virus, or now more widely and officially known as COVID-19, has been sweeping the globe and causing massive crisis in several countries. Unfortunately for me, I am in New Jersey right below the state that has the most cases and deaths in the United States, which is New York State, mainly New York City. I am remaining inside as often as possible and stocking up on cheap food. I have a water container with a good filter and replacement filters so my water is much better quality than it is straight from the tap into the cup, which I was drinking for the last 3 years before I got these filters. I have been getting a decent amount of physical activity and exercise everyday out of my own willpower and discipline, but also smoking and awful lot of marijuana. TR owe me $30 worth which I digitally wired to him exactly one week ago and haven't heard from him since, and Bobby also gave him money months ago and hasn't gotten anything. I really need to quit marijuana but it is so difficult now that it is even more prevelant than its ever been since it's being legalized all over the country. I am finding this writing very therapeutic and I enjoy it, I wish I would od more of it. It seems to clear the mind and relieve stress, slow down my constant barrage of racing thoughts. I am going to try and make this a daily or at least very frequent habit as the benefits will be major. I have been developing a good personal friendship with former StarCraft II profressional RootCatZ and he went out of his way to say he enjoyed my music and has played it on stream often. It has likely boosted my analytics in reference to my music streams, downloads and sales because they have all increased and continued to increase. I keep marketing myself also, as I always have done on social media, and am on a few playlists that get a good amount of action. I really want to write a fictional story/book and get very passionate and immersed in it and create an excellent product but I am far from anything other than coming up with basic characters and a plot and conflict yet. s
April 1st 4:40 AM
The Corona Virus or COVID-19 has spread across the world and the United States, and a lot of the cases are in NYC and spreading into NJ. It's mainly a threat to older people and people with underlying health conditions, similar to the flu. I don't want to talk about it hough. The Final Fantasy 7 remake was released early in Australia as a result of this pandemic, and not released yet in the USA, or at least only to a very select few people. Last night and this morning have been very cool and fun to experience online with everyone watching the new game being played for the first time. It is a time I will never forget. I have an interview at Acme tomorrow morning at 11 Am and will be there and hopefully get hired. I have been enjoying my car, my Acura, which is a luxury car and it's been quite a treat and a delight to have and drive and I appreciate my mother putting up money to get it. I need to sleep so I can get up for the interview later this morning. ::
4/13/2020
Things are getting real and stressful, car issues, which I mam just using a credit card to patc h up temporaroly, and the dxm issues and sleep issues and the benzos. Also haven't had a job, and still waiting for my background check at Acme to come through. I am really banking on that job but I will find a way if it doesn't work out. THe Corona Virus has just been the main focus of all media including sports and its just getting old already, so far I know no one who actually contaracted the virus or even knows anyone who did. I have hung out at Bobbys a few times picking up bud, which I am trying to ration and make sure I have enough at all times. that is anothe thing I want to fix, I want to not be reliant on weed and have an OCD thing where I must know that I have weed to be calm. Theere is something they put in the weed that must make it like this.
4/21/2020
The virus is still making lufe difficult for everyone around the world, or at least effected countries, and a new rule in NY and NJ and a few other states is that masks or something to cover the mouth lkike a scarf is required inside all businesses and buildings and social distances has become mandatory, a minimum of 6 feet. It's unlike anything even the aftermath of 9/11. Many people are still unemployed or aid off, but Trump has made it clear he wants to start reopening the country for business and going back to "normal" as early as June 1st, but small steps towards that are being taken now, such as the main news coverage has started to talk about other things besides Corona Virus which was taking up about 99% of the airtime on all programs. People have done a good job following directions towards making this pandemic dissipate as quickly as possible. In the US the deaths and infection rates are much lower than originally predicted, incinuating that thie media was just using scare tactics for ratins and to create hype and hysteria and a sttae of disorder in the country very likely. The good news is that most conspiracy theorsts are being taken more seriously as the story that the virus came out iof a Chinese lab and all the lying CHina has been doing about the severity of this virus have become popular theories as to its origin.
4/23/2020
I had a good day eysterday, it is past midnight now on the 23rd, I am on a good role cutting down DXM, I just need to keep going. I have done it I believe 2 of the last 5 or 6 days which is god because i was out of control for a while adding antihistamines to help sleep and benzos. I have to wait until the 26th to get my clonazepam but I got my mother to aquire some xanax although its probably a very small amount but its better hthan nothing. its terrible ive gotten myself into this kind of situation with benzos ontop of the dxm and marijuana usage. i am making sure i do less of everything ebcause my mental clarity if suffering greatly with all of these chemicals being involved in my life. I have been playing a lot of guitar and playing well, playing cchallenging things. Would love to be able to play the Randy Rhodes solo on Mr Crowley sometime, I am in the process of working on it along with a few otheres. I have to get back on the job hunt very hard and secure a job even during this Corona Virus time, I must be aggressive. As I have probably wiritten prior, I failed a background check for a good job at Acme supermarket which was not as devastating as I thought,k, I handled it well mentally and emotionally, I have no ohter choice, I am in survival mode right now and have been for a while. I need to find stability and comfort. s
4/29/2020
People in the government and in the media are starting to talk about "reopening the country" as in getting businesses open again and getting people back to work since we've been in a quarantine for the last almost 50 days. This is basically socialism, the government is telling us when we can go out and when we can't, and where we can go and where we cant and what we can do and what we cant. This is supposedly supposed to go somehwat back to normal by July, but that may or may not happen. THere is also talk that this will come back in the fall or winter when the cold weather comes back. I have been playing a lot of guitar and weening off dxm and failed a background check for a job but am consulting a legal aid lawyer and will see what happens with that, but in the meantime i will contineu to try applying to other places. i have been spending a lot of oney on this credit card that is on my mothers credit and i need to have cash to give her soonl
5/4/2020
Corona quarantine still in effect, althogh I've been seeing a lot more peope outsifde and not looking tooo concerned. Still have to wear masks in side every business and store. al restaraunts and plaves that would get crowedded are closed still. I am not sure if the cops are following or surveilling me becuase of my shoplifting but it is stressful to think about. I made comments to stsve about his gf calling her aspoled brat because shse compleined that her cleaning lady scratched the handle of her microwave, which i shold not have, it was very ride and impulsive.
5/5/2020
I've been doing dxm as usual and feeling really weak and shitty lately which makes sense. i am thinking more and more, spending more time thinking about quitting and about how bad this is for me. so that is a good thing. i am going to try and dedicate the next few days or weeks to rest and recovery. i know ive said that before and didn't do it but this time i dont thinki have a choice because my health is not good based on how i feel.
5/19/2020
Corona is still going on and the quarantine and shut down of non essesntial businesses is still in efect. THe public and several politiciasns and states have been fighting against these regulations an d going against them by opening up their states and towns tto normals standars and rules . ie no masks and no social distancing. New York and NJ will ikely be the last to be full y re open unfortunately. I acquired dexedrine (dextroamphetamine) a few days ago and stayed up all night working on new music and I like the direction I'm going by adding guitar and heavy metal with electonic 8 and 16 bit video-game like sounds and electronic drums mixed with rock and metal drums. I still have a lot of work to do to get to ahaving enough tracks for a new album but it's a start. The revenue from the new album and the continued revenue from the first album has increased a lot and I'm gaining more money faster. with barely any marketing or promiotion. Still a lot of work to do and I need to get my mind and body in the right condition to go full force being motivated and feeling good everyday.
8/1/2020
It looks as if we will never go back to the "normal" that we once knew in this world with COVID and the countrywide Black Lives Matter protests that are going on. Ontop of that NYC has turned into the east coast version of San Francisco with people defecating and uriniating everywhere in public and heroin addicts and drug addicts and homeless people all over the city, sleeping on sidewalks and in bus terminals and bus stops. So many things have happened at the same time, right when the economy and unemployment and stock market were all doing extremely well and some in record breaking fashion, it just seems too convinient for it to be a coinsidence. Many people feel this is a conspiracy by the Democratic Party or "Deep State" or whatever you want to call it, id "Those who are in power and run the world" for lack of a better term. Russiagate failed, all these sex allegations failed, and now since Jeffery Epsteins co conspirator Gishlayne Maxwell has been arrested and many "Epstein" FBI files have been released, we are learning that Trump is not involved in these files but Bill Clinton and Prince Andrew and lawyer Alan Derchowitz are, and it also reveals that the FBI turned a blind eye to many of these things including accusations from victims in which they should have intervened. Joe Biden, the Democratic candidate, is continiuing his mental decline into early onset dementia infront of the entire country, and the only theing the media is talking about are nit-picky negative factoids and also out of context accusations about Donald Trump, they are doing everything they can to prevent him from getting re-elected. It is quite astonishing and surreal to be alive during this time and watch this all happen in real time, very anxiety-enducing. But there is hope, there are a lot of people in this country who see through the bullshit and are getting very patriotic and starting to rise up and speak up (The Silent Majority) and it looks like there will be a massive clash in the very near future, as the Presidential election is only 3 months away. The media is ignoring so many things to make Trump and capitalism and patriotism look like a bad thing. Trump has sent in federal agents to use brute force against violent protestors, while the media twists the narrative to say they are peaceful protestors being attacked by the Feds, when all the video that is available of these so called "peaceful protests" which include the protestors throwing homemade bombs at police and federal buildings, lighting cop cars on fire, beating up old white men and women in the streets for no reason other than they know they can get away with it or belive they do and have a right to do so, to clean up the streets and get these maniacal rioters in jail so they cannot continue damaging property and vandalizing cities and towns. This all stems from the death of black man George Floyd who was killed by a police officer who used his knee to hold him down after Floyd struggled with police and resisted arrest and eventually succumbed to asphyxia due to pressure put on his neck from the officers knee and also the fentanyl in his system which is a very powerful respiratory depressant. It is a very stressful time to even turn on the news and follow current events. The MLB has come back and began play but the FLorida Marlins have had several players test positive for COVID and have had to have their games postponed while players quarantine and the season is in jeapardy, some saying it will be cancelled on Monday. But so far the games have been very exciting and very refreshing. The Mets are off to a 3-5 start with typical gut wrenching losses, they could easily be 5-3 or 6-2. The Yankees are 5-1. The NHL playoff tournament starts tomorrow, the Rangers will be playing a best of 3 against the Carolina Hurricanes, I am very much looking forward to this and the Rangers are favored to win. We will see, it will just be nice to have hockey back. The NHL has done a great job using "hub cities" to keep players quarantined and tested daily and have had zero positive covid tests the last several days and weeks, so it looks like things are going good so far, fingers crossed.
THe upcoming election is going to be very impactful on this country, the United States of America. The polls show that Trump is losing in most states to Joe Biden but that was also the case in 2016 when Hillary CLinton was ahead in all of the polls and ended up losing. I fear that in this election, if Trump loses, his supporters, which is made up of millions of Americans that are very patriotic and passionate about their beliefs, will start a Civil War against the US Gov't and the US Gov't will win, and just like we've been seeing the protestors for BLM and rioters being taken down and captured by the Federal Gov't Troops, it will be the same way in reverse. If Trump wins, we will have to worry about possible assasination and more Democratic nefarious tactics that will just bring devestation to the country to make Trump's presidency look bad, even though he has done everything he promised and has made the economy and stock market thrive and unemployment to its lowest in history. The country is extremely divided at this time and the COVID19 outbreak has not gone away, it has spread into other states and is very damaging in Florida and California. New York and New Jersey so far seem to have been much better in late July and early August as opposed to previous months going back to March/April 2020.
