Just got home after being in my fourth car accident in 9 years or so. Nobody was hurt, although I wish I was. Not hurt to where I'm alive and suffering through pain, but maybe killed or put into a coma. I don't want to suffer death, I don't want to suffer my destruction, I just want to die or be destroyed. But that is unfair, you cannot choose how and when you will die. I should be dead. I am very glad that I didn't hurt anyone else, though. I don't want to bring anyone down with me in my downward spiral to my ultimate demise. Sounds dramatic and childish. I am a child. It is so humiliating to continually fuck up and have to look my family in the eyes and say "yeah I'm still here, still alive, still sucking money and resources from you and the system, and not giving anything back in return, still being a burden to my entire family and being looked down upon by my peers." I still need to make more music and release it and gain more fans before I can be satisfied with the idea of dying. Death will bring more attention and fascination to my music and art. But I would rather be alive to experience fame on a small level (which I have already experienced, but it's like a drug...you want more.) But I selfishly want recognition for my own work, my own music. I was famous and a minor celebrity for playing guitar with En Esch and his band Slick Idiot, not for playing my own music or my own art. But it was a stepping stone. Esch was so good to me and gave me the opportunity to shine under the spotlight, and I did. I don't know if I'll ever get another chance to tour with him again, the last 2 tours were cancelled and it was incredibly devastating and upsetting for me. But since then I've just worked on my own music (and had some bouts with heroin addiction) but I have totally stopped using my former drug of choice, DXM. I don't remember the last time I did it, which is amazing considering I did it on a daily basis for 7 years up until I overdosed on DXM/Heroin/benadryl/klonopin in September of 2013. I'm glad I didn't die, I've made some good music since then. I hope there's much more to come.
I need a major lifestyle change. The best thing I could possibly do is move in with my grandmother in Brooklyn and work there, take the buses and trains, and not drive a car. But nobody seems to acknowledge the fact that I need (or just really want) FRIENDS and people to share and experience life with. My dad just shuns this and says "you don't need friends" which really pisses me off. He thinks he knows me, which is amazing because I don't really know him, and we've only spent very short amounts of time communicating on a personal level. I'm not blaming him for anything. I just wish I grew up with him as my father, living in the same house. And I wish he would acknowledge that him leaving my mother and I and not being there for me 24/7 the way my step father was ultimately turned out to be detrimental to our relationship and how I turned out. But no, he thinks he did a great job, and everything is fine. Never even apologized. My mom apologizes all the time and says it was the worst mistake of her life, but my dad is the complete opposite. I know he celebrated when he left my mom and I , he could be a single man again, a man with money and his own house and career, and only have to see me once a week. What a great life. He's been married twice since then and lived in 5 different houses. Sounds pretty awesome.
But I cannot be blaming other people for my shortcomings. I'm still 27 years old, wil be 28 in a few months. I need to pick myself up and get my own shit together, get myself up in the morning and to bed at night. Get myself up in the morning and in the shower, dressed, and ready for a full day of hard work (and keep reminding yourself, you're getting paid! Otherwise you would be sitting around accomplishing very little and not getting paid, instead wasting money...sucking dry the resources and food from whoever is supporting me.)
In order to achieve greatness you must be willing to sacrifice your happiness. It is time for me to give up some happiness and work hard so I can achieve greatness at some point. I just hope "30 is the new 20" is true and recognized, because I can consider myself 18 years old and ready to take on the world now, as a 28 year old. Help me, give me strength, God, Lord, Savior, Jesus, whoever or whever you are, whatever you want to be called, I will do you r bidding if you can give me a sign and point me in the right direction.
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