Being Dead and Thinking About Dying Again

I've been dead and was resuscitated, and there was nothing, just went to sleep. I'm not afraid of dying anymore. I worry about my family being forced to go on without me, but I'm not afraid of death itself. You just go to sleep. I accidentally overdosed on a combination of hard drugs and over the counter drugs. I was just trying to have a good time. I don't do those drugs anymore, but my life is not fulfilled, I don't feel the urge to get up in the morning/afternoon and do anything. I just want to go back to sleep. Maybe this "sleep" I want to go back to is just an eternal sleep. Clearly my brain is not functioning as a "normal" human brain, that strives for survival and peak performance in life amongst it's peers, would. Maybe I am meant to be a victim of natural selection. It applies to humans too, sorry to say. I am one of the weak, I shouldn't be here, if it weren't for medical advances and affordable healthcare for middle class families. All my problems are first world problems. But that doesn't mean shit. It's all about perspective. And I see things in the world and in people I know and it makes me think very irrationally, and I'm afraid I'm going to kill myself one day. But nobody seems to notice, nobody seems to care, but I wish they would.

I am also very afraid of an accidental overdose that could happen out of the blue, when I am feeling good and decide to "party" and get "high" on a combination of substances, which is usually what I would do.  One drug wouldn't be enough, I would always like to combine different drugs to create and experience different feelings. 

Open Mic's and Performing Solo

I've played several open mics with just an acoustic guitar before, and last night I played the first in several months. I was allowed to use my preferred electric guitar and an amp, and a mic. My guitar playing was up to par but my singing was not. I was hoping this would be a satisfying experience, and it was, but not as much as I hoped. I hoped I would dominate and be great, but I was just alright, in my personal opinion. But I think it was definitely better that I went and performed instead of not going, and just considering it an insignificant event not worth my time.

I plan on going to three more open mics this week and hopefully I improve with each performance.

I am used to playing with a full band, and being the frontman, but playing by yourself is much different and there is much less room to hide mistakes. I hope practicing, preparing for and performing at these little tiny shows makes me a better performer and musician. I am trying to assemble a band to play my music but it's hard to find reliable people who are willing to travel to practice as often as is needed to be a serious band. Everyone has careers or a family now, or they are drug addicts. I am preparing a set using a ton of backing tracks that I plan to put on my iPod, play them through the PA, and just solo over with my guitar, and do some basic stripped down songs with vocals as well. It will be challenging and people have been discouraging about the idea, but I'll give it my best shot.

Thoughts on Muhammad Ali and His Mental Decline

Man I watched about 3-4 hours of Ali interviews from 1964-2002, chronologically, last night and watching his mental decline is very disturbing and depressing for me to have watched. He was so outspoken and quick witted, he would have made a great politician or leader of some kind of movement, but he was silenced pretty much as soon as his boxing career ended, and it was very noticeable around 1978-9 between the Leon Spinks fights.  His speech was much slower and he just seemed mentally sedated, and it got progressively worse very quickly, after his final fight with Trevor Berbick.

He had talked about being an ambassador to other countries to negotiate peace when he was still in his mid 30's in an interview from 1974, and knew how intelligent he was and that he had tremendous potential to the world, but he lost his essential ability to communicate verbally at a very young age and it's really fucked.


He seems fine here in 1974 after the Foreman fight:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yByTH5QAFwg

And here is how he is less than 6 years later:
 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YkM0v4lYEUc

After watching all those interviews with this man, I can't help but feel inspired about improving my own life and being as strong willed and determined as he was to accomplish what he wanted to accomplish.  He's definitely one of the top 3 athletes of the 20th century if not number 1, but his verbal assaults against the establishment and for civil rights and his anti-Vientnam War stance, and the massive public influence he had over most of the modern world, both at the time and to this day, was more than any other athlete ever did outside of their profession.

Contradictions From the Roman Catholic Bible and Quran

The following texts are passages from the Bible and the Quran:



Whoever sacrifices to any god, except the Lord alone, shall be doomed Exodus 22:19 NAB

They entered into a covenant to seek the Lord, the God of their fathers, with all their heart and soul; and everyone who would not seek the Lord, the God of Israel, was to be put to death, whether small or great, whether man or woman  Chronicles 15:12-13 NAB

You must kill those who worship another god Exodus 22:20

Kill any friends or family that worship a god that is different than your own. Deuteronomy 13:6-10

Kill all the inhabitants of any city where you find people that worship differently than you. Deuteronomy 13:12-16
Kill everyone who has religious views that are different than your own. Deuteronomy 17:2-7


And slay them wherever ye find them, and drive them out of the places whence they drove you out, for persecution [of Muslims] is worse than slaughter [of non-believers]... but if they desist, then lo! Allah is forgiving and merciful. And fight them until persecution is no more, and religion is for Allah. Quran (2:191-193)

Then fight in the cause of Allah, and know that Allah Heareth and knoweth all things. Quran (2:244)

Fight them, Allah will punish them by your hands and bring them to disgrace... (Quran 9:14)

And the Jews say: Ezra is the son of Allah; and the Christians say: The Messiah is the son of Allah; these are the words of their mouths; they imitate the saying of those who disbelieved before; may Allah destroy them; how they are turned away! Quran (9:30)

Planes flying into buildings, bombings, suicide bombers, we are getting closer to there being a nuclear detonation somewhere in a major US city, mainly New York City.  All because of religion.  Things need to be changed.  People need to start forcing their governments to cooperate and make this world safer and more peaceful by getting rid of medieval middle-aged superstitions.

Insects

Maybe insects, in particular flies and flying insects, are a super intelligent, more advanced species living on our planet among us, that see us as an inferior, useless species which just happens to inhabit the planet that they are currently living on. 

Update December 30, 2013:

I remembered this post after I heard the new single released by one of my favorite bands Cynic, which had these lyrics:

"Animals are something invented by plants to move seeds around."

Hallucinogens probably are essential in the need to exacerbate the potential for these thoughts to arise in a middle class American mind at these point in history.

Random Thoughts

Why is it that when someone dies, everyone always goes on about what a great person they were, what a great smile they had and how it would brighten everyone up, how they were so happy and loved life?  Just once I'd like to hear someone say "He was a pretty shitty human being, had a very repulsive smile, even though he rarely smiled because he hated existence."

Biggest Fears

Dying

I've always had some mild claustrophobia, and being stuck in an elevator and not knowing whether I was going to be saved or not would really suck. At least being in jail you know you're getting food and water and can eventually get out, or if you get sick you get medical attention.

Situations that would be horrifying for me would be being on an airplane miles away from any land mass over the ocean and knowing the plane was going down, with violent, debilitating tremors occurring unpredictably and loud wailing, droning, screeching noises blaring all around while everyone panics and screams and the anticipation and suspense preceding the inevitable crash into the water.

What else?

 Waking up to the sounds of my house slowly beginning to collapse around me, the creaking of the wood and beams. When I had bad anxiety I would think about this while laying in bed, "what if the house collapses while I'm asleep?"  I would sometimes position my body in bed in reference to the design of the room and/or house to give myself the best possible chance of surviving in case of a collapse.

Riding on a train, that the train will go off the tracks at a high speed and I will be thrown around inside the car smashing and bashing into steel and plastic and glass, my face being mashed into shit and my skull cracked and crushed into fragments while my brain splatters all around, my spinal cord whipped back and forth, splintering and shattering inside my skin.

Suffocating or drowning.  Driving over a bridge when it is blown up or just collapses for one reason or another and my car falls into the water, me being experiencing the fear of falling from such a distance and then crashing into the water, scrambling to get out and open the door, but the water pressure being too much, the electrical windows possibly not working anymore since the battery is submerged in water and probably shorts out, maybe I get the door open a little and get part of my body out but as the car gets deeper in the water the pressure increases and the door clamps me half into the car and drags me down with it and I die a horrifying death fighting in vein for my life, swallowing water and making a desperate attempt for oxygen and trying to breathe and breathing in water and drowning myself internally.

Or being burned alive, being trapped in some congested area with no escape route and having fire slowly creep up on my until my skin actually ignites and begins to burn, seeing and feeling my flesh melt off my bones, the excruciating pain and the psychological panic and horror I would experience, breathing in and choking on the smoke of my own burning flesh, trying desperately to get away but getting weaker and weaker after every moment that goes by until i finally collapse.

These are just a few of my biggest fears.