Car Accident #4, Rant About Bullshit

Just got home after being in my fourth car accident in 9 years or so.  Nobody was hurt, although I wish I was.  Not hurt to where I'm alive and suffering through pain, but maybe killed or put into a coma.  I don't want to suffer death, I don't want to suffer my destruction, I just want to die or be destroyed.  But that is unfair, you cannot choose how and when you will die.  I should be dead.  I am very glad that I didn't hurt anyone else, though.  I don't want to bring anyone down with me in my downward spiral to my ultimate demise.  Sounds dramatic and childish.  I am a child.  It is so humiliating to continually fuck up and have to look my family in the eyes and say "yeah I'm still here, still alive, still sucking money and resources from you and the system, and not giving anything back in return, still being a burden to my entire family and being looked down upon by my peers."  I still need to make more music and release it and gain more fans before I can be satisfied with the idea of dying.  Death will bring more attention and fascination to my music and art.  But I would rather be alive to experience fame on a small level (which I have already experienced, but it's like a drug...you want more.)  But I selfishly want recognition for my own work, my own music.  I was famous and a minor celebrity for playing guitar with En Esch and his band Slick Idiot, not for playing my own music or my own art.  But it was a stepping stone.  Esch was so good to me and gave me the opportunity to shine under the spotlight, and I did.  I don't know if I'll ever get another chance to tour with him again, the last 2 tours were cancelled and it was incredibly devastating and upsetting for me.  But since then I've just worked on my own music (and had some bouts with heroin addiction) but I have totally stopped using my former drug of choice, DXM.  I don't remember the last time I did it, which is amazing considering I did it on a daily basis for 7 years up until I overdosed on DXM/Heroin/benadryl/klonopin in September of 2013.  I'm glad I didn't die, I've made some good music since then.  I hope there's much more to come. 
I need a major lifestyle change.  The best thing I could possibly do is move in with my grandmother in Brooklyn and work there, take the buses and trains, and not drive a car.  But nobody seems to acknowledge the fact that I need (or just really want) FRIENDS and people to share and experience life with.  My dad just shuns this and says "you don't need friends" which really pisses me off.  He thinks he knows me, which is amazing because I don't really know him, and we've only spent very short amounts of time communicating on a personal level.  I'm not blaming him for anything.  I just wish I grew up with him as my father, living in the same house.  And I wish he would acknowledge that him leaving my mother and I and not being there for me 24/7 the way my step father was ultimately turned out to be detrimental to our relationship and how I turned out.  But no, he thinks he did a great job, and everything is fine.  Never even apologized.  My mom apologizes all the time and says it was the worst mistake of her life, but my dad is the complete opposite.  I know he celebrated when he left my mom and I , he could be a single man again, a man with money and his own house and career, and only have to see me once a week.  What a great life.  He's been married twice since then and lived in 5 different houses.  Sounds pretty awesome. 
But I cannot be blaming other people for my shortcomings.  I'm still 27 years old, wil be 28 in a few months.  I need to pick myself up and get my own shit together, get myself up in the morning and to bed at night.  Get myself up in the morning and in the shower, dressed, and ready for a full day of hard work (and keep reminding yourself, you're getting paid!  Otherwise you would be sitting around accomplishing very little and not getting paid, instead wasting money...sucking dry the resources and food from whoever is supporting me.)

In order to achieve greatness you must be willing to sacrifice your happiness.  It is time for me to give up some happiness and work hard so I can achieve greatness at some point.  I just hope "30 is the new 20" is true and recognized, because I can consider myself 18 years old and ready to take on the world now, as a 28 year old.  Help me, give me strength, God, Lord, Savior, Jesus, whoever or whever you are, whatever you want to be called, I will do you r bidding if you can give me a sign and point me in the right direction. 

Cops and Their Abuse of Power - We Need To Make People Not Want To Become Cops

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Random Rant About Perspective on Life, Religion, and the Ruling Class

I live the life that somewhere between 80-95% of the human population would be envious, or even jealous of.  There are hundreds of millions of us in that range and that class of life.  However many of us are unhappy, some are suicidal and severely depressed, have severe anxiety and social issues.  Life is all about perspective and frame of mind.  I notice that one way for me to have a positive perspective, I must think of the several BILLION people who have it worse off than me, and would kill someone to have the opportunity to be in my shoes, live my life, and have the opportunities presented to them everyday that I have presented to me.  This is unfortunate and somewhat tragic when I think about it, but then again I am choosing (or perhaps just naturally, morally feel this way) to look at it from that point of view, which seems to be looking at something negative in order to make my situation seem like a positive.

However the way I see life, of any species, is that everyone really should just be selfish, enjoy life the best they can at the cost of whatever and whomever else's benefits, if that's what it takes.  If someone has to suffer in order for me to experience happiness and bliss, and I am able to make that happen without resulting in any negative consequences towards me, I should do whatever I can to make it happen.  And everyone else should live their lives in this way as well.  I think that is how the Elite on our planet operate.  They do not believe in God or consequences resulting from actions/decisions/behavior that most of the world would consider incredibly immoral and unacceptable.  But they know more about history and the planet and the universe than we do, because they have the endless amounts of money to acquire this information.  I'm sure they have been able to visit all the ancient caves and see the cave drawings and ancient writings and stories from civilizations that reigned and flourished thousands of years ago, and put all the pieces together to see where we come from and disprove all mainstream religions.  The elite, throughout history, have been the ones to create these religions and push them on the public or private sector, in every civilization going back to the Mayans.

 These ideas and religious stories and cultures were created from the minds of the rulers of the world to control the population.  And they've been successful, however the internet has exposed a large percentage of the world to these facts and that they are being used as slaves and lied to about so many things that dramatically affect their lives.   

My Feelings Towards the New York Giants 2014 Regular Season Performance Thus Far

(Taken from a facebook discussion with New York sportswriter/author Russ Cohen)

I've already given up on the Giants and am focusing on the Rangers but I guess people still care? Both NY football teams are unwatchable and uninteresting to me, personally. I hate to see Eli have bad performances and take all the heat, it just adds unneeded stress to my life and it's hockey season so I will stay focused on the NHL. I'll check the Giants out, making sure they don't win out the rest of the season and go on a run like they almost did last year, but I am not (as) emotionally invested in them.

 Obviously I am emotionally invested in the NY Giants because I'm stressing over them having bad performances (not really losing the games) and knowing the rest of the NFL fans are taking pleasure in our dismal display on the field week after week this season, and the first half of last season. I enjoy watching the terrible Jets than the average/below average Giants. I want them to do good, but if they are this bad, I have to remove it from my life as much as I can or it will be detrimental to my daily mental health.

Top Most Influential Albums

I was nominated by Daniel Cannuli to list my ten most influential albums, it's not an easy task but I will try.

1. The Beatles - Abbey Road
2. Nirvana - In Utero
3. Megadeth - Rust in Peace
4. Pink Floyd - Animals
5. Blink 182 - blink-182 (self titled 2003)
6. Frank Zappa - We're Only In It For the Money
7. Radiohead - Hail to the Thief
8. Between the Buried and Me - The Great Misdirect
9. Roger Waters - Amused to Death
10. Born of Osiris - The Discovery 

UPDATE November 17, 2014

I notice that a few weeks later I do still agree with this list however the order I would put these albums in now would be different.  It changes with what happens in life and the brain chemistry changes even over only a few weeks. Music is extremely emotional experience, and the emotional state of the human mind/brain is constantly changing.

Racism Still A Huge Issue, But What About Bias Towards Homosexuality?

I still see a lot of people (I assume they are gay/lesbian/transgender) putting a lot of effort, expending a lot of resources, money and energy into defending their rights to be gay and be accepted by the public.  Basically, trying to make being gay socially acceptable.  But I think they have won their battle, haven't they?  Maybe it's just the area I live in, which is New Jersey, a Blue State, a good amount of liberals, a lot of Democrats, and a lot of totally clueless people when it comes to politics, who however, do not hate gays and do not care whether gays are socially accepted or not...but they do not make any attempt to try to take rights away from gays, such as marriage, which most states are overwhelmingly in favor of allowing now.

Honestly I think racism is a far bigger problem now than the vilification of homosexuality. The country has come a long way since the 80's to the present time in accepting gays and their rights, especially marriage. It's actually pretty impressive, considering how many ignorant dumbasses (in the case of racism, sexism and hatred of homosexuality, it always seems to be the hardcore Conservative Christians who are the biggest, most violent, hypocritical, ignorant assholes of them all) there are in this country.

Basically, the gay community seems to be doing pretty well, from this (mostly uneducated on the more complex aspects of this subject) heterosexual observer, compared to the racism that many minorities still face, decades after the Civil Rights Movement and many assassinations and also things on the opposite end of the spectrum, where whites and blacks are seen together, working together and getting along.  But racism is still a much bigger problem than the problems homosexuals face on a daily basis, as a whole.

Tl;dr - Homosexuals probably have it a lot easier for the fact that they are homosexuals than minorities do for the fact that they are black/Asian/Arabic/Hispanic/etc...

Favorite Quotes (Part 1)

This is such a brilliant, well thought out observation, by the late and eternally great George Carlin

You know what's interesting about assassination? Well, not only does it change those popularity polls in a big fucking hurry, but it's also interesting to notice who it is we assassinate. Ya ever notice who it is, got to think who it is we kill? It's always people who've told us to live together in harmony and try to love one another. Jesus, Gandhi, Lincoln, John Kennedy, Bobby Kennedy, Martin Luther King, Medgar Evers, Malcolm X, John Lennon – they all said, "Try to live together peacefully." Bam! Right in the fucking head! Apparently we're not ready for that. Yeah, that's difficult behavior for us. We're too busy thinking around, sitting around trying to think up ways to kill each other.